Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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