So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
