gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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