Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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