We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
