She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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