I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
