I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
