The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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