Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
