He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
