my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Four minutes until I can fart!
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
