I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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