i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
