I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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