I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
