On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
