I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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