I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
