his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Boobs speak an international language.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
