are you still at the devil's house?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
