Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm passing your future prison.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
