My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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