There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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