New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
