i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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