just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
