I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
