i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
