I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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