we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
