I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
