Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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