The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
