Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
