Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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