it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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