I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
