Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
