Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
