Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Randomize
