I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
