Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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