Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
