I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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