Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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