can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
