who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
