I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
