he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
