yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
