ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
