So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
